Uncertainity

Now I'm starting ask my self, why did I miss SG so badly? It was so many times I felt bored with that small country. It was so often I wanna get out of there and try live to another country. It was only a place that everyday the same? But, it was also a place when I could really be my self, when I could make my own decision, when I found my freedom as I am and I could find the people as a real fam in Christ. It was a place that keeps my fire burning. I think, it will work the same wherever I was placed for the first time, and SG was the place. Is it possible for me to find my another home here? Which is supposed to be my real home, by the way. So hard to accept that I much possibly stay here more than I've planned before rather than go back there and live as a student again. And, I don't need a reason to get angry to God.
I feel... I live a lifeless life of mine, every time I think about it, I'm so hopeless, sometime I became faithless. Speechless. I want to quit, but I won't.
I don't wanna waste my time any longer, I think. I never ask for this. Maybe I'm gonna try to do my own business while I'm still doing my duty as the oldest child. At least, I have things to do. Start considering to take a break for my ministry. I lost the calling I guess. Till my mom becomes better enough to be left, then I'll leave.
My faith is tested.

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